


Drowning in my Okay

by kelkale



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter/Funhaus RPF, fh - Fandom
Genre: Eating Disorders, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-07
Updated: 2017-08-07
Packaged: 2018-12-12 12:14:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11736843
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kelkale/pseuds/kelkale
Summary: James is sad. Possibly the saddest he's ever been.





	Drowning in my Okay

To be honest, James felt like shit. He couldn’t pin down exactly what was causing his bad mood, but goddamn was he sick of it. He  _ should _ be happy. He has a loving wife, great friends, and a job he genuinely has fun at.  _ But he isn’t and it sucks. _

Maybe a big part of his down mood is that he feels so  _ alone. _ He knows that it’s all in his head, but he can’t help but notice how all his friends are having fun together, talking about things they’ve experienced, not bothering to talk to him, etc. He knows that they mean nothing by it, but he’s disappointed every time he gets a notification and it’s an email or even worse, a broad statement meant for everyone. He stops trying to talk to them after a while. They have each other after all.  _ He’s not that important.  _

It happens one night while he’s lying in bed with Elyse. It’s not something he’s considered doing in a long time now, but god his skin itches and it wouldn’t be too hard to break open a razor, would it? He gives it some consideration before coming to the conclusion that no, he’s been clean too long for him to slip just because he feels shitty. Besides, those razors are expensive and he can’t disappoint Elyse,  _ not again. _

It’s not something that stops, not really. It just changes forms. He just starts to  _ fantasize  _ about it during car rides, but he knows he’d never actually do it. Instead, he lays awake at night just hoping that maybe, just maybe, he’ll die in his sleep by some miracle. He knows that realistically, he’s simply not that lucky. Instead he spends his days feeling useless and strangely apathetic about everything. He hopes it’s just a bad few months.

To make matters even worse, James’ problem with food rears its ugly head. He finds himself starring in mirrors, pinching fat at his sides and wishing it was  _ gone. _ He plans on upping his exercise routine because he feels disgusting. He feels worse when he lies about eating to Elyse. Why did he lie about having already eaten? He’s hungry and he plans on getting food in a few minutes, but why did he have to lie instead of saying  _ “Getting ready to.” _ He ends up thinking about how easy it would be to fall into old habits, to not eat for the next few days, maybe even see if he could make it a week, but  _ Elyse. _ She would know something was wrong, wouldn’t she? James doesn’t know anymore. All he knows is he feels sick.

At work he doesn’t even bother with saying morning hellos, doesn’t go out of his way to make plans after. Honestly why should he? They have better things to do than put up with him. He stops messaging them whenever he’s free because he hates that they only respond several hours later with a “ _ sorry was busy _ ”. He loses all motivation to hold conversations in person, just responding with yeses and nos. He avoids joining them in games after work and just goes home and plays with his dog and tries to sleep.

No one ever asks if he’s okay simply to see if he’s okay? He’s always asked when he’s short over a text or something equally stupid. He considered texting Matt one day and just spilling his guts because he feels like he would care the most, but he talks himself out of it. Matt doesn’t deserve his hatred thrown on him like that. James is a big boy and he’ll deal with it himself. Besides it’s not like he can actually do anything about it other than offer sympathy and god, James can’t handle that right now. Not when he feels like he’s going to break apart at any moment. It’s when he’s sitting locked in the bathroom, alone in his own home, when he finally admits he’s not okay. He’s not okay and he should have recognised he wasn’t earlier, but fuck, he doesn’t know what to do.

It hits him early one day what part of his problem is. He’s inching closer to his last suicide attempt and how his family didn’t do anything about it. He feels anger coursing his veins at the memory of waking up the next day and having to hide bloody sheets and pretend like nothing happened. He feels furious about admitting that he tried to kill himself and his mother just pretending he hadn’t said anything. He wants to throw up when he realizes that if he told his friends about it that most likely it’d be glossed over again. He feels sicker when he realizes that his “end date” is a month later. He wishes he could say he was glad that he didn’t actually try to kill himself then, but right now it’s hard to even say he’s happy.

The feelings of sadness and remorse stick around for a long while. James just starts to sleep less, insomnia kicking in, and stays in bed on his off days. He figures why bother trying anymore. 

He’s passively living hoping for shit to get better, but he doesn’t know if it will.


End file.
